"Everything is beautiful and she is so beautiful, she is so young and old, I look at her and I see the beauty of the light of music" - You are the everything (REM)
Whatever thing was bothering my stomach yesterday seems to have made its way out and I woke this morning ravenously hungry, which is a significant improvement to how I felt yesterday.
Also? We have sunshine today.
Lots of admin on my plate today and some odds and ends in getting this year wrapped up and planning for 2013, but it should be good.
Wishing you all a lovely Tuesday.
To pay all my bills in full and know that I am still ok. It's also a nice feeling to have extra money left over on a rewards card I have through work to buy such beautiful barre/yoga pants. I also ordered the sweetest tank to pair with them, but I can only upload one photo so you don't get to see that.
Anyway, happy this morning.
Years and years ago when I lived in Ottawa I had an awesome neighbour named Andrew. Andrew owned and operated a local hotdog cart, but it was more than just that, it was gourmet stuff, and when feeding the masses from innovative, mobile solutions was just coming in to fashion.
I believe he was still in University finishing his degree when I met him. We used to do suppers together, he would have me over to his house and we would eat and talk and drink coffee for hours, just hanging out. One snowy night he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk along the Rideau Canal with him, and I did.
It was beautiful, the city was quiet in the throes of a snowstorm, the only sounds were our own feet and quiet conversation. We wandered aimlessly for hours.
I don't tend to be a winter person. But I remembered this walk this morning, and it kind of makes me want for those kinds of days. When the whole world seems quiet. Snowy walks when you have nowhere to be and nothing to do are the best kinds of walks. Other than summer walks with your toes in the sand and ocean. But for this time of year, I do enjoy those quiet snowy walks.
Wonder where Andrew is now.
One could argue that no, I do not. I have 3 pairs of knee high black boots (one in need of repair), over the knee suede boots, cowboy-esque boots, and new knee high brown boots.
But, look at these!! Putting them on my wish list for Christmas, presents for me from me.
Also? So frustrating to know that my iPhone is in my city, at the depot, but has not been delivered. Tomorrow is the big day!
"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." - Buddha
Today, and everyday, I give that which I want to receive. I nourish the universe, and the universe nourishes me.
Taking a moment to reflect before jumping back on calls for the remainder of the afternoon.
It's interesting when you google search random words like cluster and look for images. I was smart enough to not search clusterfuck because god knows after today I wouldn't want to see what kind of images that search popped up. Anyway, this was one of the results, lovely isn't it?
Today was frustrating. I was all over the board. Happy and sad. In control and then completely reactive. Full of energy and then physically exhausted. What an odd day. A clusterfuck would be the best way to describe it.
But at one point I was wandering around with headphones in and a song I haven't heard in ages came on my playlist. And instantly in that moment I was drawn back two years in time, and somehow felt very empowered. I went through a significant period of change a few years back. My body, my mind, my perspective and outlook changed, it was a night and day kind of change. Coming out of who I had known myself to be for so many years and redefining myself. Finding the woman I am today.
What this song ties me to specifically was the physical change and I suppose the mental adjustment that physical change caused. It was right around when I first started working out really religiously. Waking up at 430am to fight through a hour to an hour and a half long workout, making my body do things I didn't think possible. Pushing myself to where it hurt so badly I couldn't do normal things like wash my hair without cringing, and then beyond that to find strength that I never thought I could possess.
When I was doing this I felt inspired. I felt strong. I felt beautiful. I felt bloody untouchable, that any and every thing I could ever want could be mine. As I listened to this song today I wondered why I stopped, why I gave up and let this feeling go. And I don't know why, but I want it back. I am emotionally stronger now, but I want that physical piece back. I want those feelings back.
I messaged a friend looking for a little encouragement to get going again, I asked him to wish me luck. His response? You don't need luck, you and I both know you're more than capable. That sealed the deal. I am capable, more than capable. And so today marked day 1...89 left to go. And this will be my 3rd go through P90X. Pretty excited, for the challenge, for the changes I will go through again and for feeling those kick ass, I own this, kinds of feelings again.
You know those chinese lanterns? I am positive i just saw one float clear across the horizon in front of my house. It's dark so I couldn't see it clearly, but it looked like a lantern that had broke away from its string and was floating across the sky, lit up and all.
Beautiful and odd.
Feel like I am coming out of the slump I have been in these past couple of weeks. Todays centering thought is what I need to embrace and accept today and over this weekend as I plan out the remainder of this year and what I hope to accomplish in 2013.
Dreams can be a fleeting moment, nothing more than an idea that disappears as quickly as it came. Or they can be the foundation for change, for greater happiness, the beginning of a path towards who and what you are meant to be. I am choosing the latter.
Wishing you all a happy friday.
That's my centering thought for today.
The focus of this meditation challenge I am doing is around abundance, and every day I am presented with a centering thought along with a sanskrit mantra and meditation audio post. It's surprisingly powerful to pause and reflect on abundance, what it means, the source, and how to live a more full, or abundant, life.
But so far this is my favourite centering thought. I believe this, always have. What you spend your time thinking about, focussing on, is what becomes the prevalent force in your life. Sometimes I find it difficult to control my focus, to centre my thoughts and power of my mind on what it is I want to surround myself with. This is a powerful reminder.
Wishing you all a tremendous day.
When you have rain boots like mine. These make me happy. Oh and consider this my GPOYW.
I have every reason to be happy, but the world seems tinged with sadness tonight. Not sure why, and it will pass, as it always does.
But my heart feels heavy.
Look what the FedEx guy delivered yesterday!! And the really exciting part is that it was FREE!! Yay me, and thank you, LG :)
I don't know who is more excited. Me, because I have a ginormous new tv that does the whole internet and 3D thingy, or ma petite, because she just became the proud owner of the 6 month old 32" flatscreen LED that used to be in my room.
And I finally signed up for netflix so it's quite possible I will never leave my bedroom again.
To check out the Firehose to see what's going on there. I get so caught up in my safety net of "friends only"posts and my home spot that I don't even think to check what others are posting on the site.
This morning I am glad I took a peek, I caught a fantastic post by GeniusBornNotPaid about saying thank you. A wonderful reminder to be grateful and show our appreciation of others.
Check it out, a simple something that could dramatically improve your days and overall quality of life. A thank you goes a long way.
So, thank you for posting. I needed to see it.
A tuna melt with avocado and salsa. How's that for pulling a magic supper out of nowhere?
Found this on my window this morning as I got in the car to drive ma petite to school. Beautiful.
Also beautiful? Neyo's voice. I would let him sing to me forever.
And that's all I've got this morning.
Play nice today.
There are so many things we do in the run of a day simply through routine, that I think we lose that heightened sense of awareness, of being present in that moment. Think about it for a second. Consider yesterday, are there blanks in your day? Not like a black out blank, but a span of time where you know you were doing something, but you can't recall the specifics, the clarity of that moment.
It happens to me all the time.
That routine, that semblance of normalcy, as comforting as it is, is numbing in a way if you don't stop to be present.
Yesterday morning when I drove ma petite to school, I had an awakening moment. As I put the car in park and we air kissed (because its not cool for an 11 year old to kiss her mama at school anymore) I was shocked to realize I am the mother of an 11 year old. Almost a teenager. It's not as though I was not fully aware of this before, she's been the entirety of my life for so long now, it's just in that moment I became MORE aware. Of how quickly time passes, how in the every day things don't seem to change much, but then POOF! you have an 11 year old who won't kiss you in public anymore. It just made me think that this running on auto pilot thing is a little frightening.
I'm sure its normal. Our lives are busy, there are too many things to get done in not enough time. But it gave me pause. A not so gentle reminder that days give way to weeks, and weeks to months, and you get where I'm going with this.
Today I am going to try a little harder to be present. My to do list is not more important than today, not more important than the moments that will happen only once. Because tomorrow she will be a little different, a little more grown up, as will I. Every day changes us, even in the slightest of ways, we are still changing.
I was thinking of this last night. This concept of blindly trusting, taking a "leap of faith". I tend to be on the fence when it comes to trust. Initially I want to go all in, and extend trust immediately, assuming you are worthy of it. And then I feel I need to pull back, have it be earned, have you prove to me why I should.
Conflicting emotions.
I want to be believe all people are inherently good. That those people I choose to have in my life are absolutely worthy of any and all trust I may extend. But it only takes one to ruin it for all. One time that you run and jump, only to have no one there to catch you when you fall. And that one time, it scares you enough that you won't run and jump again, because what if? Despite having always been caught before, that one time is enough to instill doubt.
That's not the way I want to live. And so I battle this one frequently in my mind. I have to force myself to let go of past experiences that have instilled that sense of doubt. I have to remember that you are not them, and I have no reason to doubt you. I may have no reason to trust you the way I do either, but I prefer the glass half full. Why punish someone for mistakes they have yet to make?
An interesting train of thought last night. One I need to keep present in my mind, my past is my past. You are my today, and who knows what my tomorrow will be.
A tale of multiple tumblrs and why I'm here to stay.
I am a talker, that cliche girl who needs to talk things out to make things make sense. I don't need you to give me answers, or fix things for me, I just need to talk things out otherwise they fester and escalate. I am also a single mom, raising a pretty spectacular girl in a province where I don't know a lot of people.
Enter tumblr. It started innocently enough, as I grew through several different urls, I found a strong voice. I shared very honestly and openly about who I was, what I love, what I fear, and everything silly in between. The only thing I didn't really speak of was work. I didn't come to tumblr to bitch about work, I came to have a personal voice, and find myself again after a difficult break up, trying to redefine my life.
Long story short, people from work found my tumblr. And despite url changes and multiple deactivations, they continued to find me through those people I followed and followed me.
Because I saw value in this space, a place to write and share, a community in which I felt a part of, I continued to stay. Knowing they watched me, I edited what I said. But this is not about others choices and actions, it's about how it impacted me.
The more I edited, the less I felt. My writing became forced and unnatural. Yes, I was still present, and I could heart you, but I was not contributing in what I felt to be an authentic and positive way anymore. Sort of defeated the purpose of being online at all.
So I am here. And I came here reluctantly. Not knowing if I truly could have the privacy and the space in which I would ever feel comfortable letting down my walls again. And i still don't. I am more confident knowing that I control who sees my "friends only" posts, and I can revoke access at any time. However; can I truly write with my heart forward again? I don't know. I am having fun online again for the first time in a long time, and i am so thankful for that. But part of me hopes this stays small, quiet, less dramatic, and less visible than what other social media sites have grown into.
But that's my story. It's why 90% of my stuff will be "friends only". Why I seem a little guarded at times. But I'm nicer than I appear, mostly friendly, always snarky, try me...I'm not as bad as they say ;)
Paraphrased loosely from an ecard thingy or one of those motivational post thingys on the other site. But it caught my eye.
I think it's a valid question.
There are more things outside our control than within, and it's easier to blame circumstances and events beyond our control than it is to be responsible for the things that are.
I think about this often, how am I contributing? I don't believe there is a truly neutral stance in life, you are either positively or negatively contributing to the world around you. And so this question resonates with me. How are YOU making things better?
I think people get stuck, I know I do. If it isn't profound, it must not have impact. But it does, everything matters, everything counts.
A silly example was last spring, I was having a crappy day. You wouldn't have known it, I was parading around doing my normal thing, but inside I felt like hell. And a stranger in a mall stopped me, complimented me on the dress I was wearing. She wouldn't have known it at the time, but she made my day. She made me smile, and lessened the crappy feeling I was experiencing.
Everything does matter.
So maybe today we should try. Be a little more cognizant of the impact we have, consider our actions a little more closely, take 5 minutes to ease the burden of someone else, even if it is only through a simple compliment, or a smile, or a kind word spoken.
I believe that you get what you give. When you choose to put your best self forward into the world, you attract that same type of energy back. You find yourself being surrounded with like people.
And at the end of the day, I want to be able to go to bed knowing that I made a difference, it may be small, but that I made the world in which I live a slightly better place.
And those are my thoughts on this Monday morning. Wishing you all a great day.
