musingandmulling

There is also the quiet of heartbreak and, if you know it, that feeling of your heart quietly breaking, shattering into a million pieces, and for many reasons, from a love, as a parent, you know that it is a quiet that encompasses so much that I didn’t include it because it needs an entire post of its own.

On Quiet

There are so many attributes of quiet.

There is the quiet of a summer’s night that is alive with the sounds of crickets chirping, a soft warm breeze rustling through the leaves in the trees, bright stars in the sky, a quiet that gives you a feeling of “Ahhh” and an appreciation for the simple things.

There is the quiet of a deep winter’s night, the cold wind howling outside while I’m cozy and warm inside with a hot cup of tea, a blanket, and a good book.

There is the quiet of being with a friend in need, when they are hurting and lost, holding a hand, sitting shoulder to shoulder, making sure they don’t feel alone, present, offering a wordless hug that conveys so much, just being there for whatever they need, a quiet of support.

There is the quiet when you gaze down at your sleeping child, so innocent in slumber, when your heart swells with a love so big you feel as if it could burst from your chest.

There is the sudden quiet when you have young children, when you realize it’s too quiet, an alarming quiet, and you race to check to see if anything is wrong, usually to discover they’ve gotten into something they shouldn’t, but usually it’s okay, even comical, and your breath whooshes out in relief.

There is the waiting quiet, when you are waiting for word from someone who has gone missing for hours, or is in surgery, in the hospital, or waiting for serious test results, or whatever the case, when the quiet is LOUD, when you can hear every tick of the clock as you wait, every pounding beat of your heart, as you wait and you worry, a quiet of agonizing suspense.

There is the peaceful quiet of a soft snowy winter night when no one else is around, no sound but the crunch of your feet in fresh untouched powder, big white flakes slowly, gently, drifting down around you, when the white blanketed world feels like a hush has fallen over it.

There is the quiet of absence. The quiet of a house that no longer feels like home, when the heart of it is gone, a terrible, aching, profound quiet. So empty. A deep stillness that cuts like a knife that makes you want to scream into the void to make it stop, and sometimes you do.

There is the quiet of rocking a baby nestled into your shoulder, completely trusting, listening to their tiny breaths and soft cooing sounds, or in the crook of your arm, gazing down into that precious little face, wishing you could capture that moment forever.

There is the quiet of the sunrise over the ocean, just the sound of the waves as the colors first begin to rise over the water on the horizon, breathing in the salty sea air, such a feeling of calm and tranquility.

There is the quiet of loneliness that has its own special kind of ache, an ache, a longing, a gnawing, too difficult to put into words.

There is the kind of quiet you can relax into, sitting in comfortable companionable silence with someone who truly understands you, accepts you, and with whom you feel safe. Words are superfluous.

There is the quiet late at night as on Christmas Eve, after everything is finally done, the children are asleep, and you can at last sit still for a moment, unfocus your eyes, and enjoy the bokeh of the tree lights, utterly exhausted.

There is the quiet of early Christmas morning, before the children are yet awake with excitement, a quiet of anticipation.

There is the quiet after a place has been filled with love and laughter and the faces most dear to you, after they depart, a quiet that feels a little nostalgic, a little happy, and a little sad because they are gone again, so it has a quality of missing people whose presence still lingers.

So many qualities of quiet, from deeply painful to terrifying to serene to content.

Greetings and salutations

Hi!

Twas a busy weekend and I missed most of what's been posted here, and over there, but at least here I can probably catch up when I get a few minutes.

It's going to be a very busy week with my sister's wedding this weekend and travel involved, but I will do my best to check in on you all.

My baby girl comes home on Friday!!! I can't wait. No matter how stressful this week is, that is where I am trying to keep my focus.

I hope this week is a good week for you all.

Hugs! :)

Oh, hi!

How YOU doin'? ;)

I hope your day is good!

Perspective

My phone has rung off the hook today since 9 a.m. with political calls, and my annoyance has grown with each one (around 12 now), not only because I don't listen to them and they're irritating, but because I work at home and the interruption is constant.

And then I see my kid post on FB with a plea for good thoughts and prayers for her same-aged friend Rachel who has been battling osteosarcoma for 7 years and who they thought wouldn't live to see her own graduation this year. Now she just wants to be able to do something as simple as make a trip to Chicago before she dies.

Below is the post from Rachel's mom that my daughter reposted. And I am flooded with so many emotions.For Rachel, for her parents/family/friends. For the knowledge that my daughter is going to lose yet another person from her life at such a tender age, that another piece of her heart is going to be broken, and once again I am powerless to change it or protect her from it.

"Increase in number and increase in size of tumors, many areas of new lesions. Upper right arm, hands and fingers, neck, left lower lung is all tumors but somehow she manages good breath sounds on examination. Large masses in both hips and sacrum, manubrium, ribs, neck, and spine. Did not look below the knees, but prior scan shows a spot on her tibia. No available treatment, only increase pain meds as the cancer grows. Rachel continues to be active, with most of her pain in her right arm, tho that can and has changed quickly in the past. I don't quite know what she is made of, what is inside of her would cripple any other human, and the drugs she takes would most likely be fatal to any normal human, yet she battles on. She has her moments of weakness, but she pushes through them and works hard at staying on the positive side of things. Let's get this girl to CHICAGO!! Doing everything we can to make the time she has have purpose and meaning. If only we had unlimited funds and time... But sadly we are running short on both. Some days are harder than others, and some of those bad days try to leave their stain on her good days. Trying so hard to overcome, break through the fear. Our family has had a lot of practice, seven years worth. We never could have made it without the love and support of our circle of friends, family and community. Thank you!!"

Suddenly, I am grateful to be alive to be annoyed by phone calls. I am grateful to have a working phone. I am grateful to have working ears to hear the annoying phone calls. I am grateful to live in a country where I have a vote. I am grateful to have work to be interrupted, and to be capable of performing that work. I am grateful to be able to work at home and that I am warm and cozy, fed, and clothed, when others are not. I am so grateful that my children are alive and healthy. I am suddenly grateful for many, many things.

Not that I am ever not grateful for those things, but sometimes the mundane and trivial invade my day and my thoughts, and I momentarily get caught up in that and lose sight of the big picture.

Perspective. It makes a world of difference.

Cross posting

I will likely cross post. When I post, it is often a quote or something to which I relate, so I will likely share those things both places. When I write on deeper thoughts, whether I post both places will largely depend on the subject and how personal it is. So sorry if you see some posts twice and you follow me both places. I haven't posted my face here as much as "over there" or duplicated here, so there's that!

A Quote

“If only we try to live sincerely, it will go well with us, even though we are certain to experience real sorrow, and great disappointments, and also will probably commit great faults and do wrong things, but it certainly is true, that it is better to be high-spirited, even though one makes more mistakes, than to be narrow-minded and all too prudent. It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love, is well done.”

-Vincent van Gogh

Sadness is just a mask for anger, and anger is just a mask for fear

Sadness is just a mask for anger, and anger is just a mask for fear.

That statement is something I read the other day and have been pondering. On the one hand, I can see there’s possibly some truth to it. There may be instances where anger is expressed as sadness, because it is more socially acceptable to be sad than it is to be angry. I am sure there are times when fear is expressed through anger.

After mulling this over for a bit though, I think I mostly disagree with it. When I am sad, I am just plain sad. I’m not angry, I’m sad. Sometimes it’s a mild sadness, sometimes it’s a deep sadness, but it’s not anger, it is definitely sadness.

I don’t get angry much. Anger is, in fact, an emotion that I am not very comfortable with, not my own, and definitely not someone else’s. So this is the one I would have to think about the most, whether or not it’s possible that I turn anger into sadness because I am much more comfortable with the emotion of sadness. I can’t say it’s impossible. There have actually been one or two occasions that it took me quite some time to recognize the fact that I was, to my surprise, angry about something, deep down, because it is a rather foreign emotion to me.

That is not to say I don’t get angry on occasion about things, but those tend to be more obvious - when someone is treated badly or terribly unjustly, or especially when someone hurts or mistreats someone I love, for instance, but that’s a gut reaction and easily recognized. The anger that took me awhile (as in months or years) to recognize was much deeper. I am normally not at all quick to anger; on the contrary, have a very slow burn, so that may be in part why at times it has come as a surprise to me to realize that I am angry about something.

Sometimes I have seen others angry or act out in anger, especially a child, and the underlying emotion was really fear. It happens in adults too, but I wonder if maybe expressing fear through anger is something that happens more when we are in denial or don’t know how to express our emotions well.

I don’t think anger is a mask for fear, for me. The only instance I can think of that might apply to me would be at times when someone has deliberately worried me, for hours or even days, and then I was angry as a result of fear.

An example would be when someone had made plans with me and they were a no show/no call, and then hours passed and they were unreachable. And more hours passed, and with each hour that passed, my concern grew. My mind was 90% sure they were probably fine and just being incredibly inconsiderate, but that 10%, that 10% can have a field day with every hour that passes, playing on my worst fears, imagining worst case scenarios in spite of myself. So when I finally heard from the missing person, my relief was palpable, and I was then immediately angry that they put me through hours and hours of fear and worry for absolutely no reason whatsoever, while they were having a good time, other than they couldn’t be bothered to send a quick text or make a phone call.

That kind of total disregard for someone else, that tends to raise my ire quickly, and I think that anger is always heightened by the preceding fear that had built up for hours.

Aside from that though, I don’t think anger is a mask for fear, for me. I know what things strike fear in my heart. I know what things I am afraid of, and I don’t use anger to cover them. I try to share my fears with people with whom I am safe to do so. Some I keep to myself, but I am aware of them, and not angry. I do my best to be aware of and face my fears and try not to let them control me.

Anyway, I have no idea where I am going with this. It was just a statement that made me think, and mostly what I think is that when I am fearful, I am fearful; when I am angry, I am angry; and when I am sad, I am just plain sad. I can’t say I never mask one emotion with another, but I think for the most part, the emotion I express is genuinely the one I am feeling.

Thoughts?

GPOYW and hello

Hiya!

Yes I am cross posting today, because I was wordy and we can't have that going to waste now, can we? :)

Random thoughts:

I will be soooo glad when this election is over. I think a small tree has been sacrificed daily with the minimum of 6 political ads in my mailbox every day. The constant prerecorded phone calls are the worst, all day long. This is so rudely intrusive.

Someone I care deeply about is getting married soon. I am doing my best to be very supportive, but every time I hear the words “and he doesn’t need to know,” I absolutely cringe inside. Be it over a big thing or small (it’s been both), I think omissions are a very, very bad precedent, in any relationship, but especially to begin a marriage. Maybe I’m just a throwback and I value honesty more than most.

Apple cinnamon is my favorite scent to burn during the cold months. It just smells warm and cozy. Blueberry muffins isn’t too shabby either, but it tends to make me hungry.

I’m not a fan of Halloween. It’s my least favorite “holiday.” I know some people love it and to each his own. I don’t care for the origins of it, but I think for me it’s more about the fact that it celebrates dark and scary things. More than once when my kids were younger someone in passing scared the crap out of one of my small children, and it really irked me. I get that there can be a fun aspect to it, but I think the older I get, the more dark and scary things I’ve seen/heard/experienced in real life. There is so much darkness in this world as it is, that I don’t want to celebrate anything dark and scary. I want to celebrate things that are positive and uplifting and give light.

Tomorrow is hospital day again. Nuff said.

My daughter called this a.m. to tell me she feels like the baby on campus. Her calc class had a guest who invited them to some sort of focus group with free food, etc., so she went. As an aside after they started, he said, “Oh, everybody here is 18 or older, right?” She said, “Um, no…” He said she couldn’t be there without parental consent and she had to leave, and of course everyone was looking at her and she hated it. Apparently in another class recently they did a survey of sorts based on 18 years and up, and the teacher asked for ages, all were 18-22 - except for my 17. All heads swiveled. She’s like me - hates being the focus of attention and wanted the floor to swallow her. I’m sure she’s not the only 17-year-old on campus, but she’s definitely a minority.

Work is a bit slow this week due to my hospitals being located in the DC and Maryland areas and portions of several of the hospitals/medical centers my work comes from being shut down and/or all elective surgeries, etc., being canceled. Thus I had time to write this lengthy post. I haven’t written much lately, so I’m just making up for it all at once. ;)

I hope Wednesday is treating everyone well and you have a reason to smile today and, if you can’t find one, I offer one of my own for your day. And a hug. Always a hug for you.

Tonight's sky

The rain...

Feels symbolic of my thoughts

Sometimes soft and encompassing

Quiet

Background noise

At other times

Loud and demanding

Relentless

Day after day after day

Who'll stop the rain?

Do it!

A truth...

“The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.”

— Ernest Hemingway

Oy

I had a handful of messages from people in my inbox as of last night. Now I have well over 100. Apparently we are getting a private message every time there is a new post, a like, or a comment? I don't see any way to delete these en mass either, only one at a time. So the only way to get to the messages I originally had is to scroll back 100+?

Up

As I was looking out the window this morning at the dark and dreary day, an image popped into my head. People. People walking around, going about their day. I saw them with little tiny weights dangling from their waists, their shoulders, little weights on strings. Each stressor in their life, a weight; some heavier/larger than others.

Financial worries - a weight. Health concerns - a weight. Concerns for family and friends - a weight. Work issues or unemployment - a weight. Conflict - a weight. Anxiety - A weight. An unexpected added stressor to their day - a weight. All these weights.

We all have them.

Some are very heavy, like addiction, abuse, or chronic health issues. Some we pick up every day as soon as we get out of bed. Some we can never lay down at all and they follow us into our dreams. Some are added to us on any given day, by a harsh word or an unkind act.

I also saw balloons. Helium balloons. Bright, pretty, balloons on strings attached to those same people. Some only had one or two. Some had many. As they walked through their day, the people and experiences they encountered added either a weight or a balloon to them, and as they walked, their steps either became heavier or lighter.

A kind word, a thoughtful act, attached a bright helium balloon to a person and literally helped lift them up, counteracted some of the weight, literally lifted their load. Those positive things acted as buoys to help carry them through their day.

You never know when adding even a small weight to someone can be the thing that topples them, that makes an already heavy load just too much to carry and that final tiny weight makes them stumble and fall. You just never know what someone is carrying, what their invisible weights are.

Likewise, you never know when giving them just one balloon may be just enough to lighten their load, to ease the weight, to help them carry it, to buoy their spirits, to put a little spring back in their step.

I want to pass out balloons.

Darn it, Jon, I rarely ever title my posts as I can never think of something to put here, but aside from that little quirk of making my brain hurt trying to think of something appropriate for this requirement, I SO appreciate your hard work on this site!

I've felt the melancholy lurking around the periphery the last day or two.

I have always been prone to melancholy at times, as much as I am upbeat and positive with a song in my heart. My emotional dichotomy at times is maddening, but it is who I am, and something maybe only one or two people have ever been able to truly understand, especially the depths of my emotions, particularly empathy. I experience both sadness and joy very, very deeply, not just for myself, but for others, sometimes at the same time.

After a few minutes of consideration, I realized why the melancholy is quietly lurking, and it is simply due to an upcoming date. Recognizing it will hopefully make it easier to embrace the validity of it, acknowledge and feel the emotion of that day, and move past it.

For today, the sun is shining, the colors are beautiful, and I've been able to make a few people smile. It is enough.

So

Pondering, as are most, exactly how I want to use this space. It may be a good place for me to put some thoughts down, though I am rather reticent in any public forum, for the simple reason that I tend to be a private person. I do share my more personal self with others, especially if it lets them know I can truly relate to something they are going through, but usually one on one.

If I make a deeply personal post, it is usually when something is weighing very heavily on me and I need to get some of it out of my head and/or I need perspective because I know I am too far into my own head and I know it, and I get mired in my thoughts. Getting some more objective perspectives sometimes helps pull me back out. So this may be a good place for me as a sounding board at times.

Testing to see if I can upload a photo (again, because I messed it up, apparently)

Totally fakin' it.

Hi!