lilmisssassypants

Change

I read a few articles today and I have realized that I became a doormat in my relationship. I haven't allowed myself to remain the person I was when I entered this relationship last year. I have not remained the independent, confident woman that I used to be. I don't know whether its been from becoming comfortable with him, or the fact that everything that has happened in our almost 2 years together, it has changed me and the way that I feel I need to act in my relationship.

Instead of being that vibrant, confident woman I used to be, I am now a loner, I isolate myself unless he's around. I don't go do anything for me anymore. I get anxious and emotional when he ignores me or goes long periods of time without responding to me. He's done some bad things that I'm working on forgiving him for but it's hard to move on past them so I'm regularly paranoid about it happening again. I've become a person I swore I would never be.

I need to change. I can't be like this anymore.

Snow

It's going to snow tonight and tomorrow. I hate living in the north. I don't do snow or driving in snow. People can barely drive around here when it's dry, how the hell are they supposed to get around with snow and ice and slush all over the place?

If I could, I would boycott everything that has to do with driving and needing to be places all winter in this damn state.

Talk about a let down

The only thing that was getting me through this terrible week was seeing my boyfriend this weekend. Kid 1 was sick at the end of last week. Kid 2 is sick now. I'm sick and I just wanted cuddles and lovins. Then he told me he has to work all weekend this weekend.

I know I'm probably being too sensitive but it seems like this kind of thing always happens when I make plans to go see him.

It sucks

Being sick before you have plans. Plans you have been looking forward to for a long time. Tomorrow I'm supposed to take my kids trick or treating and this weekend, I'm going to see my man. We both decided that we didn't want to wait until after my birthday to see each other.

But this morning, I woke up with a fever, sore throat and a killer migraine. Hopefully it goes away soon... I was looking forward to make up sex this weekend.

Damn you Hurricane Sandy.

This is me

Hi, I'm Erica.

I am too insecure. I overreact to everything. I cry a lot. I don’t like being ignored. I expect to be hurt in any relationship. I forgive for damn near anything. I don’t trust easily. Once it’s gone, it is very difficult to get back. I want a lot of things out of my life but I doubt I’m going to get them. I’m very negative and depressed at times. I want to be a good person who is loved and wanted.

LMFAO!!

Baby bump

You guys seem to be the only ones who care besides me about my pregnancy. I decided awhile ago that I wasn't going to talk about it or post about it a lot. But I like this picture. Sorry it's so big. Can't figure out how to make it smaller.

Being so far apart from him

Can seriously suck it.

Today

I am in an extremely bitchy mood today. There is so much I want to say but the smarter part of me will bite my tongue. I don't know how much more I can take before I completely snap and everyone will hear the things I want to say to them.

My son's logic

Fascinates me. My daughter is extremely sick and she had a coughing fit that woke him up. Before I sent him back to bed, he sat down next to me and fake coughed. Then he said, " I'm not sick anymore. The bugs that made me sick when I was 3 can't make me sick because I am 4 now."

I wish that it worked like that but I will let him think it's possible.

Sometimes you just need help

I try to be the best mom I can be. I would do anything for my kids. But sometimes there are days where I know that I am not cut out to do this alone. I need help sometimes and unfortunately, help is never consistent.

Truths?

• I need to be honest with myself. I can't hold it in anymore, but saying anything can ruin lives.

• I hate a lot of things. I can't stand a lot of people.

• I hold grudges and I get offended easily.

• I get way in over my head because if I care about you, I want to help you.

• I get hurt way more often then I let on.

• I am miserable. I don't like change.

• I don't tolerate liars. Or people who play the victim.

• I have so much to say and no one to say it to.

• I was doing a lot better and then out of nowhere some of the cruelest things was said to me and as hard as I try, I can't get over it.

It's probably a good thing

That every day (normally now) I eat like 7 or 8 different times because I'm really going to need to make up for the shit I've eaten today. Breakfast was a ho ho, lunch was chicken nuggets and dinner has consisted of pie and chocolate chip cookies because I'm eating my feelings tonight and my feelings want chocolate.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

I don't care who the fairest one of all is.

Instead...

What can *you possibly gain from going out of your way to be mean to me?

• generalization, no one specifically.

My boyfriend is the best.

Seriously. He always knows how to make me feel better. I am so overwhelmed and sad today. But he has made everything better. <3

We the users

Was supposed to be my place for truth, honesty and my little piece of this internet world where I didn't have to hide behind secrets. Where I could be myself and be true to who I am and the life I have.

I haven't posted much of what I originally wanted to. I don't really know where to start, what to say. It's funny, after keeping my life so contained for so long, the thought of letting some of that containment go is terrifying. Like someone is going to judge me for my actions or the things I've chosen to do. When in reality, I don't really care what people think of me. At least not enough to change who I am.

I think I will go back to the beginning when my life started unraveling and falling apart before my own eyes and go from there.

Addition to my last post...

I wish I trusted someone enough to tell them the inner workings of my mind. The things I think about, the things I know. The exciting things that potentially could happen in my life.

But I have yet to find someone I can entrust with all of that. Maybe one day.

Secrets

Everybody has them. Some are worse then others. Some could be unbelievably painful to others if they were ever told. Some could bring such joy to someone's life. Some people keep another person's secrets so they have something over that person. I wish I could tell someone my secrets, just to not hold them in anymore.

Misery loves company

But no matter how much I want to hurt you like you have hurt me, I can't bring myself to do it.